Apr 07 2009
Little Miss Wanna Be Independent
A Blog Novella…
I wanted him to love me with every part of his being. The kind of love that time will stand still for. What I got was the brief passionate kind of love. I know you are thinking that the flame just went out. I thought that as well. It didn’t. It smoldered… who am I kidding it is smoldering. You see I am the product of a blended family. Whatever that means. Though I grew up in a two parent home I still had issues with my biological not being there. When, we’ll call him GQ, he walked in to my life I thought all of that searching for love was over. This ain’t the fairytale love affair with the princess on the cover. Our love was like a ghetto version of “The Little Mermaid.” You know the two of us from different worlds.
I am the preachers daughter from a lower middle class family. I attended the private schools and went to church two or three times aweek. I didn’t start to lose my mind until I was around 20. That was when I could really be free. Now GQ was from a single parent home. Not that that is a bad thing. It is just the opposite of mine. I had book sense and he had common sense. What I lacked he had. We fit together in a lot of ways. He was older and I was infatuated with the idea that this “MAN” wanted to know me.
Know me in all the ways I hadn’t really let other people know me. You think sex is like riding a bike. Imagine you have been riding a tricycle then someone comes in your life and tells you that you’re gonna ride a 10-speed from now on. Like anyone else I fell off a few times. Once I got the hang of expressing myself and being comfortable in my skin and letting someone see my skin. Well let’s just say… I haven’t had training wheels since.
GQ and I went back and fourth for a few years. I fell quick and hard for him. Looking back on it he loved me too; just not the way I thought he should. I was trying to make a hustler a husband. When he walked away I was devastated. I thought the bottom had fallen out of my world. I had learned to cover my emotions early. I could show anger and frustration; but hurt wasn’t something I was comfortable dealing with. I played the bitch card. This is the tale of how we have traveled broken roads to reconnect. Is it for forever. Who knows. I thought I was finally standing on my own independent from the all consuming emotions of being truly in love. Me…little miss wanna be independent; yet needing the love and companionship of this one man. What am I going to do?
